What To Do When You Can't Seem To Change Your Partner?
- Ceri Lan
- Nov 3
- 4 min read
Updated: Nov 7
Living with a partner who is so different from you.
Just imagine this:
You grew up praised for your grades, finding your worth in striving and achievement.
Your partner grew up bullied, finding his power through escaping in games.
Now, under one roof, you feel constantly disappointed because he avoids you through gaming, while he runs away from your pressures, fearing you will attack him for never being good enough.
Love, as it turns out, is not just about the initial spark.
For many of us, the situation can be different, but the power struggle may be similar.
In any committed, long-term relationship, both partners bring layers of your histories, wounds, loyalties, and longings. These are shaped by the environments that raised you and your partner. They shape your sense of self and how you live and love.
When some of your differences clash, your partner’s different way of living can shake your identity, your needs, your grounding, your sense of familiarity. So you cling, often unconsciously, to what once kept you safe: the lessons of your parents, your culture, your beliefs. In that clinging, you may become too self-focused, too threatened to step out and see your partner’s world. And vice versa.
While you long for him to bend toward you, he also longs for you to bend toward him.
But living by your way requires him to abandon his own. And so you both hesitate. You defend. Listening turns into resistance. Distance grows.
It can feel as if the love you once knew is slipping away.
The power struggle is real. You and your partner no longer feel like you are fully for each other.
Our parents often told us: Aiyaaa… you two just have to compromise.
But many of us have seen how compromise can become a thin bandage laid over deeper disconnection.
What couples can do is take time to discover where they can meet again.
Here are some ways to open the dynamic and reconnect:
Step 1: Relax Your Conviction
When differences arise, the mind often rushes to fill the gap with stories: “How I am right, and what is wrong with you?”. But in clinging to right and wrong, we lose our reasoning power, we lose our ability to truly be present and navigate the path with our partner.
Track how your mind automatically assigns all these “I am right, you are wrong” scripts to your partner. Write your head stories down, read them aloud, as if you were a curious witness.
Then, take time to soften and let go of the idea that one is completely right, and the other is completely wrong. What if the difference is less about right or wrong, and more like taste or color, not better, not worse, just another shade of being?
Step 2: Connect Before You Correct
Invite a safe space for conversation. A safe space that holds what matters to both of you in a deep way. Where anything is welcome, seen, heard, and respected, without judgement.
Start by validating each other’s efforts. The conflict is not as important as the courage to stay in the difficult conversation. It is important to validate each other’s efforts to show up despite the struggles.
Stay curious, not critical by stepping into each other’s shoes and honor each other’s truths. Both partners can speak without fear of losing themselves: their identity, ego, or worth remain intact. When a partner is acknowledged and respected, they feel less threatened, the couple dynamic softens. From here, the creative process opens again, empathy replaces control, and new solutions for the “us” naturally emerge.
Step 3: Embrace Each Other’s Strengths and Values
Everything has a shadow side. Your biggest frustration can reflect the other’s biggest strength. Instead of competing, ask: What values are we fighting for? Can I learn from your way? And you from mine? How can we use our strengths to move towards our values together?
When we weave values together, supported by each other’s strengths, what emerges is not yours or mine, but ours. Compatibility isn’t found, it's built and nurtured, again and again, with intention and care.
In our modern time, our greatest challenges can also become our greatest gifts.
We may not have to follow a social model, and we are invited to create new ones.
Think of gay couples, queer couples, blended families, or any unit carving its own way.
There is no single “right” path, only the path we choose to build together as a team, towards important values for you and your partner.
A Simple Next Step
If you find yourself asking…
How can I make this relationship work?
What else can I do to create change?
Or… is it time to stop trying and finally let go?
I’ve created a simple guide for you: 4 Steps to Know if a Relationship Can Truly Work (Past, Present, or Potential)
Always Remember: Sometimes love gets so muddy, and the harder you try to pull, the deeper you sink. In those moments, couples therapy can be the gentle hand that helps you both rise by offering safety, guidance, and space to rediscover each other, so together you both can untangle what feels heavy and find steadier ground.
From my heart,
